If only former Celtics participated in the NBA Playoffs. . .

Since the Celtics missed the playoffs for the first time since 2001, it's hard for me to get excited about the thought of 2 NBA games per night for the next 200 days. The Celtics' frustrating season finally came to an end today when they lost a hotly-contested coin toss with the Timberwolves. The AP is reporting that the coin landed in Boston's favor, but at the last minute Doc Rivers sent Brian Scalabrine into the fray and Scalabrine grabbed the coin before a ruling could be levied, saying that he needed it for "the dollar menu." The only juice left in the NBA season for Bostonians is the presence of former C's playing for other teams. With that in mind, here is how the first round will play out, based soley on imaginary one-on-one games to 11 between former Celtics.

First Round

#1 San Antonio (Bruce Bowen) vs. #8 Sacramento (Vitaly Potapenko)

V shows up visibly intoxicated, smoking a cigar, wearing his Seattle jersey and babbling incoherently about deserving a contract extension. Chris Wallace, fresh off a scouting trip in Denmark, shows up unannounced and rewards the big man with a fresh four-year deal. Bowen, meanwhile, wins easily.

San Antonio advances in 5 games.

#2 Phoenix (No One) vs. # 7 Los Angeles Lakers (Chris Mihm)

Mihm's lack of offensive ability comes back to bite him. After shooting 4-38 from close range, the token big white stiff quits and Phoenix advances.

Phoenix in 4 games.

#3 Denver (No One) vs. #6 Los Angeles Clippers (Vin Baker)

Baker has already committed to playing in the final game of the East Hartford Beer League. Luckily for the Clips, Walter McCarty steps in and hit eleven (of 57) shots from the right corner.

Clippers in 7.

#4 Dallas (Adrian Griffin) vs. #5 Memphis (Chucky Atkins)

Both players are immediately shocked to see the other, surprised that they are each still in the league. All 108 members of press row, including the token Chinese contingent, make note of all the little things that Griffin does for a team. Chucky Atkins doesn't do any of the little things, but he can score and, in this format, that's good enough.

Memphis in 6.

Eastern Conference

#1 Detroit (Chauncey Billups) vs. #8 Miluakee Bucks (Jiri Welsch)

Detroit decides to rest Billups for the "real playoffs" and Tony Delk, upset that he had been traded for the Czechlosovakian Basketball Jesus, takes over. Employee number double zero shuts Welsch out without much fanfare. The Bucks promptly send Welsch to Orlando for a second round pick.

Detroit in 4.

#2 Miami (Antoine Walker) vs. #7 Chicago (Darius Songalia)

Songalia gamely plays with his broken foot and keeps it surprisingly competitive. Walker, a Chicago native and Michael Jordan's love slave in the offseason, presses, missing eight of his patented "no-jump layups." Tied 10-10, Toine makes two wild, off-balance, fade-away bank shots and shimmies in Songalia's face. Gary Payton joins in on the postgame trash talking.

Miami in 6.

#3 New Jersey (John Thomas) vs. #6 Indiana (Rick Carlisle)

This one was ugly. Carlisle came in as a 4 point favorite when bookmakers failed to find evidence that a "John Thomas" ever played in the NBA. Carlisle, a "playoff coach" if there ever was one, manages the game perfectly but finds out that Thomas would in fact be the fourth best player on the Pacers.

New Jersey in 5.

#4 Cleveland (Damon Jones) vs. #5 Washington (No One)

NBA organizers are forced to go through hell to get "Basketball" Jones to the arena. First, they have to speak to six members of his posse. Then, he tells them that "he ain't ever play for no Celtics." He demands that he be named one of the NBA's 50 Greatest players, the three pointer be renamed "the Damon" and that he be allowed to wear sunglasses on the court. David Stern, after careful consideration, denies his requests and the Wizards advance.

Washington in 6.